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18 March 2018

Music You Need In Your Playlist (aka most of the Bands That Are In Mine)

As I continually get asked what I listen to while training and for recommendations for new bands, I thought I'd stop what I was writing long enough to give you a bit of an idea of what's going on musically in my life these days.  Basically, my musical interests in general don't stray far from hardcore/deathcore/slam beatdown- I basically only add grime like Scrufizzer and some dubstep to the mix when I'm not in the gym.  That and the Last Podcast on the Left, which is a badass occult, serial killer, and general esoterica podcast you can find on Stitcher, Soundcloud, and iTunes.  

I spend altogether too much time searching for new music, and waaaaay too much time on this article, so recognize when I say Stone Cold Stunner will knock your fucking socks off.

Since I pretty much get constant requests for what is in my playlist, here we go.  I'm just giving you the band names because giving you the individual songs would be ridiculously long and overly arduous and there just seems to be little point to it.  I did link songs and albums for select artists, but I spent waaaaay more time on this than anticipated and didn't have extra time to link more shit.  So what we've got here a rotating bunch of bands including, but not limited to:

25 ta Life - Strength Through Unity and Friendship, Loyalty, Commitment were fucking amazing brutal hardcore albums.  Back in the day, no one had shit on Rick ta Life's vocals, though the man is now a parody of the scene king he once was.

45 Stainless - epic beatdown from Finland.  Don't sleep on this band- they broke up, but both of their albums will have you spinkicking motherfuckers in the middle of Barnes and Noble if you're not careful.

A Night in Texas - Crazy deathcore from down under.

Acacia Strain - the progenitors of downtempo.  There's better downtempo these days, but they're still worth a listen.

Acrania - the first deathcore band I can think of with truly shit-your-pants crazy vocals.

Agnostic Front - moshy 90s hardcore pioneers.

Altars - metallic hardcore

Angel Crew - moshy christian crewcore with crazy breaks

Angelmaker - dual vocalist deathcore that will melt your face

Annotations of an Autopsy - slam beatdown/deathcore.  Their last EP Dark Days has two epic bangers that must be included in your lifting mix- Buried in a Bad Rap and Stage Breaker.  If you dislike either of those song, you might as well just unfollow this fucking blog and go join Curves where you can rock out to Barry Manilow and suck on your own.

Attila - wignorant party deathcore

Backtrack - straight up hardcore with a super 90s feel.

Bad Luck 13 Riot Extravaganza - hardest of the hardcore/bats are on the dancefloor.  If Last One Standing won't get your dick hard, nothing will.

Battlecross - their covers of Hostile and War Ensemble are doooope, but they're generally thrash

Beg for Death - brutal downtempo with pretty fucking depressing lyrics that still somehow manage to pump me the fuck up

Bill the Butcher - you've gotta love any band named after Daniel Day Lewis's character in Gangs of New York.  This is one man band of brutal slam beatdown goodness.

Billy Club Sandwich - 90s toughguy hardcore- Slow With Your Hands needs to be in everyone's lifting playlist.

Bitter Thoughts - toughguy hardcore that sounds like an updated Shutdown.  Old heads like me should get all nostalgic listening to this shit.

Blood for Blood - white trash hardcore you should already know about.

Blood Has Been Shed -  metalcore band with great breakdowns featuring Howard Jones of Killswitch (although BHBS was WAAAAAAY better) and pro mma fighter and 90s hardcore legend Rich Thurston.

Bodybag - Epic beatdown hardcore.  Must have shit for your playlist.

Bodysnatcher - brutal downtempo

Bound in Fear - absolutely fucking boneshaking downtempo

Brawl Between Enemies - super brutal beatdown from Germany with dual vocals.  Great shit.

Brick by Brick - old school hardcore

Broken Humanity - brutal deathcore / toughguy hardcore

Built Upon Frustration - same thing.  Pittsburgh hardcore has a definitive sound.

Built Upon Hatred - brutal slam beatdown with some of the best breakdowns I've ever heard.  Check out this one that starts with one of the best lines out of a movie in the last ten years- the "fuck that, it's a promise" bit from Alpha Dog.

Bulldoze - the OG toughguy hardcore band, from which the term "beatdown" arose

Buried Alive - moshcore band that became Terror

Bury Your Dead - Yeah, I still rock shit from Cover Your Tracks and You Had me at hello.  They used to bring the fucking mosh.

Butcher - beatdown hardcore from Germany

Carbine - slam beatdown like a fucking boss

Clawhammer - even more like a boss than Carbine.  This video explains all you need to know- crowdkill cam for the fucking win.

Clench Your Fist - toughguy hardcore

Cold Blooded Murder - wiggertasticslam beatdown from Mother Russia

Cold Hard Truth - badass UK toughguy/beatdown hardcore with a jacked singer

Cold Hearts - the name of their EP says it all- Violence is the Answer.  Deathcore/slam with a beatdown feel and some unique vocals

Colossal - Kublai Khan-esque brutal hardcore

Crowd Deterrent - old school tough guy hardcore

Cunthunt 777 - gang vocal beatdown from Germany- No Gods, No Masters is a fucking multi-lingual masterpiece.

DCA - French toughguy hardcore along the lines of Cold Hard Truth.

Dead By Wednesday - crazy fucking rapcore from the early oughts.

Deathsinger - beatdown/downtempo brutality

Denihilist - ultra-Satanic downtempo

Desolated - see above

Despised Icon - wigger slam deathcore with dual vocals.

Drowning - POSSIBLY THE BEST HARDCORE BAND IN HISTORY, and fuck you if you disagree.  Beatdown wiggercore you must have.

E-Town Concrete - 90's era rapcore with brutal growls added in for good measure

Earth Crisis - awesome 90's ecoterrorist straightedge hardcore

Easy Money - sick toughguy beatdown from Arizona

Embraced by Hatred - awesome brutal german hardcore.  When I want everyone to back the fuck up in the gym, I open up the pit screaming along with None To like I'm at a show.

Emmure - if you've never heard for Emmure, I don't know how you even found this blog.

Enemy Mind - 90's era tough guy rapcore from Pittsburgh.  Fucking awesome.

Expire - moshcore done right

Fallbrawl - dancy German moshcore

Feign - downtempo / beatdown.  Brutal.  Their Mudvayne cover is fucking ridiculous- just listen through the breakdown and tell me I'm wrong.

Filth - s00per brutal downtempo.  If you listen to this while suicidal, you'll off yourself with either a chainsaw or a broadsword.

First Blood - awesome hardcore featuring members of Sworn Vengeance and Terror.

First Degree - California beatdown.

Full Contact - UK beatdown hardcore

Gassed Up - sick UK grime toughguy rapcore.

Gat-Rot - completely unknown Tucson, AZ dual vocal rapcore band I still rep hard.  We used to go fucking BANANAS at shows when they'd play Where will you go.  I no longer have that EP "Us Versus Them" to my knowledge, but intend to hunt it down.  Their first album is fucking great and up on Bandcamp.

Get the Shot - creossover hardcore with a decidedly 90's feel.  If you like Backtrack, Expire, and

Gift Giver - Badass numetalcore band.  If nothing else, you need these two songs on your playlist- Trendkill and Shitlife.  Seriously, don't sleep on them just because the label makes you cringe- they're the VOD of this era, and their breakdowns are fucking legit.

Goliath - brutal deathcore / downtempo

Hatebreed - you better know about them already. First three albums only for me.

Heavy Heavy Low Low - goofy but brutal I Don't Know What-core.  You'll either love them or hate the fuck out of them, and most of the hardcore scene claims to have beaten up the entire band.

Hed PE - I've had "Not Dead Yet" in my playlist since the song first dropped.  The band is widely variable in quality, so don't go adding their entire discography.

Honest Crooks - brutal deathcore/downtempo

Hoods -  one of my all time favorite hardcore bands.  Tough as fuck, badass breakdowns, and dual vocals like a muhfucka (at least until their last album, which you can avoid).  MUST HAVE.

Horned - Mega-Satanic blackened beatdown out of France.  Another must have, in my opinion.

I Am - Crazy sick downtempo.  CRAZY SICK.

I, Valiance - If Methwitch had a second vocalist who sounded exactly like Starscream from the Transformers and the entire band loved the circus so much they employed a calliope in their music, I, Valiance is what you'd end up with.  Calling this shit insane is like saying that Tara Reid now looks a bit like Michael Jackson's reanimated corpse, only with significantly less acting ability, and I say this under the impression they're Christian and possibly straightedge.  Yeah, they're that brutal.

In Cold Blood - No one has ever heard of this band, and I think they were a side project of Integrity.  Awesome shit, even if you only put one song on your playlist- Pain.  Gotta have that in the mix.

Indigestion - super awesome German slam beatdown band.  Another band that'll have you spinkicking motherfuckers in the mall.  Must have.

Infant Annihilator - brutal technical deathcore with the craziest vocals ever

Ingested - slam beatdown pioneers.

Interrupting Cow - zany technical death metal with great breakdowns

Irate - super sick beatdown hardcore from the late 90s, when we were all wearing basketball jerseys and beating kids in skinny jeans half to death at shows.

Jerome - I never found out where this vocalist went, but the dude was jacked, had fucking amazing vocals, and even better lyrics.  Crazy sick deathcore.  I AM NOT THE ANTI-CHRIST.  I AM JUST A FUCKING KILLER.

Job for a Cowboy - Nothing yet has come along that blows JFAC's first EP "Doom" out of the water.  Shit your pants brutal deathcore with enough BREEs to keep you cool while dying of heat exhaustion.  Rapist-like wit!  W00t!

Kharma - an updated version of Bitter Thoughts that I fucking LOVE.

Killwhitneydead - love em or hate em, this band is awesome and remains one of my favorite bands to gym mosh to.  Here's to pretty girls and breaking the law.

King 810 - settle the fuck down- they have one good song and it's Heavy Lies the Crown

Knocked Loose - Moshy as fuck hardcore.

Kinshasa -These motherfuckers are named after Nakamura's finishing move because they're that fucking brutal.  Here's my review on Bandcamp: BITE THE FUCKING PAVEMENT. This is true beatdown. Whether you're trying to blow out her back wall and need a steady beat to do it or you're looking to curbstomp a yuppie at the mall, this is the shit to which you want to do it. 
Favorite track: Pavement.

Kublai Khan - kind of the gold standard for moshy metalcore these days.

Laid 2 Rest - Ultraviolent beatdown hardcore for the type of person who wants songs about curbstomping motherfuckers.  BRINGING THE VIOLENCE BACK.

Last Ten Seconds of Life - Hit and miss for me, and they switched from deathcore to.. pop(?) recently, but I still rock their older shit.

Liferuiner - Their first album was a gold standard of moshy beatdown, then the band split into two competing versions of the same band and the one that survived fucking blows.  The rest went on to become Recognize, which was a fucking awesome toughguy band.

Limp Bizkit - yeah, motherfucker- I've had Leech in every playlist I've made since that album dropped.

Lionheart - if you don't know, google them.  FTW has been on my playlist for a decade.

Livyah - fucking incredible downtempo.  So brutal.

Lose None - mid oughts beatdown from Cali

Machete 187 - super brutal slam beatdown.  If you want breakdowns, you came to the right place.

Machine Head - though I generally am bored off my tits by this band, Ten Ton Hammer and Blood for Blood never leave my lifting playlist.  Hard-ass numetal fo sho.

Mercy Blow - Machete 187 wasn't brutal enough?  Well then, here's Mercy Blow with guest vox from Charlie of Gunishment, a band so fucking brutal they can't seem to record an album but have AK47 guitars.

Methwitch - brutal slam deathcore with lunatic vocals.  This is must have.

Monsters - moshy deathcore I can't seem to get tired of.

Murder Death Kill - I'm not promising genius lyrics, but this is brutal as fuck beatdown hardcore and they do a mock gang beatdown of ADTR in my favorite of their vids.

Mushmouth - old school PA hardcore legends

Nails - YOU WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US.  Exactly.

Nasty - sick Belgian beatdown hardcore.  So many awesome songs it's hard to pick their best.  Just grab their shit and put it in your mix.

NJ Bloodline - badass old school Jersey rapcore.  Epic, and great guys IRL.

No Altars - crazy brutal satanic beatdown hardcore.  Yeah, satanic beatdown motherfucker.

No Innocent Victim - great moshy 90's Victory hardcore band.

No Second Chance - toughguy hardcore

No Zodiac - Beatdown toughguy hardcore.  Posi Holocaust might be the hardest fucking song of all time.

Omen - pure fucking brutality.  Sort of downtempo/beatdown crossover that makes Acacia Strain seem downright fucking cheerful.  Dem breakdowns doe.

One Life Crew - the least politically correct hardcore band in history.  Gang vocals and shit-talking abound.  Awesome.

Out to Win - the band Mushmouth became.  Also awesome metallic hardcore.

Pitboss 2000 - OLC became Pitboss when they decided to stop being political and just mock cripples and shit.  Hilarious.  E C DUB was a regular chant at their shows, and if you don't know what the fuck 
ECW is, your life sucks.

Plagued By Humanity - br00tal beatdown hardcore.  Shit is basically nothing but breaks.

Primer 55 - the heaviest of all of the numetal bands this side of Slipknot in the early oughts.  Their first album was fucking great, and it'll get you fired the fuck up for a death set on deadlifts.

Pry -  badass downtempo with more varied vocals than most downtempo bands

Psycho Enhancer - there was a time when there were a bunch of beatdown bands that were also about partying.  This would be a prime example, though they're still around.  You've never seen so many people smiling during a beatdown song, haha.

Recognize - I fucking miss this band.  Brutal as shit and bouncy as fuck.  If anyone of you has the album, hook a brother up, because I lost it when my old laptop got stepped on my some lumbering drunk guy weighing about 210 lbs at a height of 5'6" (on a tall day).  

Reduction - German moshcore along the lines of Kublai Khan.

Sever the Fallen - 90's metalcore that has been in my playlists since the era of mix cds.

Shattered Realm - you'd be hard pressed to find a better beatdown band than the original lineup of this band (which is apparently back with their original singer).

Slamcoke - awesome German slam beatdown.  Their best song has practically every good European toughguy band from 5 years ago in it- Fick die bude kaputt, round 2.

Slaughter to Prevail - Deathcore in a demon mask.  What could be better?

Slipknot - Yeah, I put a few songs off their debut and Iowa on my lifting mix.  How could you not include a song in which the breakdown is ONLY ONE OF US WALKS AWAY?

Soulfly - Yeah, most of their music is derivative as fuck.  If you've not listened to their second album, Primitive, in awhile, give that motherfucker a spin.  You will not regret it- I guarantee you'll find something on there worth adding to your playlist. 

Spite -  IF YOU PUT NOTHING ELSE FROM THIS LIST IN YOUR LIFTING MIX, PUT THIS IN.  I don't even know how to classify this band... maybe what Slipknot could have become if they kept getting more brutal after Iowa.  WELCOME TO HELL.

Stampin' Ground - I really only like one of this UK hardcore band's songs, but it's been in every mix for 15 years- Officer Down.  Unique vocals, but I can't really explain why.

Stigmata - old school hardcore with a bit of a 90s beatdown feel.

Stone Cold Stunner - Kinsasha and Stone Cold Stunner are evil twins separated at birth.  Nakamura vs Stone Cold... to the fucking death.  FUCK YOU AND YOUR GO FUNDMES.  Put this in your fucking playlist immediately or you risk having me drop a fucking stunner on you at a fit expo.

Suicide Silence - deathcore band everyone on Earth knows about.  If you don't, google is your friend.

Sworn Enemy - Metalcore/thrash cossover band you should already know about.  Awesome, and needs no explanation.

Sworn Vengeance - Little known but fucking amazing brutal metalcore band, and the guitarist owns 22nd Street Barbell in Des Moines.  Good people, and fucking sick band I started listening to in 2001 after discovering their CD in a little indie record store in San Diego.

Terror - if you've never heard of Terror, just google them for fuck's sake.

The Browning - weird mix of EDM and deathcore that somehow works well.

The Hell - hardcore supergroup with one of the greatest YOLO anthems of all time, Everybody Dies.  MIGHT AS WELL FUCK SHIT UP WHILE WE'RE ALIVE, CAUSE EVERYBODY DIES, EVERYBODY FUCKING DIES.

The Last Charge - awesome toughguy hardcore

The Projects - YOU NEED THIS BAND IN YOUR LIFE.  Toughguy hardcore in a rap mixtape.  Fucking amazing.  This is a side project of Enemy Mind, with the insanity cranked up to 11. 

The Red Chord - crazy awesome (especially their first album) deathcore

The Rest Will Fall - Cali moshcore similar to Recognize and Lose None.

Thick as Blood - moshcore done fucking right.  You won't be disappointed if you put any song on your playlist at random.

Third Rail - Brutal PA beatdown hardly anyone knows about, but everyone should.

Those Who Fear - Yeah, they're Christian, but they're brutal fucking downtempo.

Throwdown - Before these guys became a Pantera cover band, they were one of the hardest moshcore bands ever.  If you listen to their first 4 albums and first 2 EPs, you'll see what I'm mean.  Sickness.

Thy Art is Murder - If you don't put Whore To A Chainsaw onto your playlist, then fuck you.

Tony Danza Tapdance Extravaganza - utterly insane technical metalcore.

Trash Talk - awesome powerviolence.  Shit like Walking Disease always makes it into the mix.

True Temper - beatdown brutality with 90's era vocals and slam/downtempo breakdowns

Turmoil - 90's metallic hardcore legends

Unite and Conquer - if you only add one of their songs, make it Go Fuck Yourself.

Until the End - awesome late 90s/early oughts dual vocal hardcore.

Upon a Burning Body - I only like their first album, but it's great metallic hardcore in the vein of Kublai Khan.

Vampirecunt - amazing and hilarious slam beatdown out of what appears to be the most white trash people ever filmed.

Waking the Cadaver - greatest wigger slam band in the history of the genre, and they'll never be beaten.

War from a Harlots Mouth - crazy technical German metalcore with brutal breaks.

Warhound - if nothing else, you need one song from this band in your playlist- Next Level 
Demonstration 2013.  "All you dumb motherfuckers can keep running your fucking mouths.  You're only making us fucking stronger.  We live for this.  We do this fucking lifestyle.  When you're gone, we'll still be here till the death.  You wonder why none of you have allegiance either.  Everyone complains.  Everyone's got something to say.  That doesn't mean shit unless you do shit, so go do some fucking work."

Wicked World - super brutal sort of numetalcore.  Good shit.

Within Destruction -  SLAM AS FUCK.  Women could miscarry listening to this shit.

Words of Concrete - brutal beatdown out of East Germany.  Their new shit is doooope.

World of Pain - FUCKING SICK beatdown hardcore.  Their entire s/t should be in your playlist, but if nothing else, you need Suffer in there.

World of Tomorrow - German fucking beatdown.  If this shit doesn't do it for you, you might be dead.  Essential.

xDisciplex AD - badass Christian toughguy hardcore band from the late 90s.

xKingx - downtempo that got tuned to the lowest audible register.

xTexas Chainsaw Massacrex - Deathcore bordering on slam, xTCMx has the best of both worlds- badass breaks and actually intelligible vocals.  I love pig squeals far more than most, but whatever the nomenclature used for slamming death metal vocals is, I despise that shit.  These guys bring the fucking insanity with super downtempo breaks and basically sound like what you'd imagine Leatherface would listen to for lullabies.  Warning: Failure to appreciate the brutality of this band may result in a severe drop in free and serum testosterone.

xToiletFlushx - hilarious and insanely good slam beatdown.

Years Spent Cold - super toughguy beatdown

So there you go- that's what essentially comprises my current lifting playlist.  Between that and Tumblr porn, you should have PRs flowing like cum in a gangbang.

Speak up the comments and tell me why I'm fucking wrong, who I forgot, etc.  Bring the hate, motherfuckers.

15 March 2018

Nothing Is True; Everything Is Permitted: Part 2

Having grown up in the hardcore scene of the 1990s, the DIY ethic was as deeply instilled in me as horse cock in a My Little Pony fan during a party in Mexico.  For those of you who think DIY started with HGTV and home improvement shows, it actually arose out of the punk scene and then got co-opted by midwestern housewives.  Instead of mousy, over-eager women, the DIY culture was initially nothing but smelly fuckers who used that shitpile crystal deoderentno one liked at shows used to sell terrible vegan baked goods and print zines giving info about the punk (and later the hardcore) scene.  Because those genres of music weren't popularly accepted, there was no other way to get info on the scene, so these little do-it-yourself magazines provided us with info on upcoming shows, reviews about albums we probably hadn't heard (with a horrifying emphasis on krishnacore in the zines I generally read), and a whole spate of political commentary so left leaning that even Bernie Sanders would have called the writers fucking communists.

They might like terrible music, but crust punk broads are so fucking hot it defies my ability to describe them.

In spite of their ridiculous socio-political and religious leanings, those unwashed, crust punk loving gutter trash had a do-it-yourself ethic that would make even the most robust and well-prepared survivalist nut seem like a collectivist pussy by comparison.  They slapped together those zines using xerox machines and typewriters, illustrating the things with their own hand and selling them as diligently and arduously as any salesman in the history of commerce.  That ethic so permeated the scene that there was no thought of bands having managers or roadies, or any other crutch or convenience that a band today has.  Beyond that, we'd make our own bootleg merch to support bands we liked that lacked shirts to buy, just to show our love.  Everything we did was DIY as fuck, and we were all better people for it.

“We do not aspire to communal life but to a life apart.”
- Max Stirner

So where does this take us?  Create your own fucking system.  Stop following the motions of others and be innovative.  Like the occultists Michael Ford and Phil Hine; pioneering martial artists like Edward Barton-Wright, Bruce Lee, and Al Decascos; and like the numberless lifters throughout history who managed to build super strength without the aid or opinion of a single other soul, I like to experiment with a lot of different systems and use them as they seem appropriate.  Thus, I'll switch between bodybuilding, bodyweight, powerlifting, and strongman in the same workout.  Why anyone would think that combining the different disciplines would do anything other than improving their physique and overall strength I will never know, but with the spate of ridiculous sport-specific training programs floating around, it seems that what was once a standard for training (and during which time both powerlifting and Olympic Weightlifting were far more competitive) has become for many on the internet a bizarre and laughable sidenote.

If there's a single person claiming to have the balls to call this motherfucker a manlet to his face, I would die of fucking shock at the stupidity of the act and the brazenness of their lie.

Why any male human being totaling under 1200 in the power lifts would think he is above anything training-wise at all is a mystery we will likely never solve.  It does illustrate, however, that a pack of hoopleheads sharing "information" they've gleaned from often shit-dog and generally disreputable sources on internet forums avail themselves of nothing other than the abject fucking stupidity of the average intellect.  Certainly, it bears saying that a focus on one of the disciplines makes sense, lest one become a jackass of all and a master of none, but a mere focus in one hardly precludes participation.  Furthermore, it 
"is worth going into a system in some depth, so that you become more or less competent (and confident) with it, but magicians tend to find that once you’ve become competent in one system, then it’s easier to get to grips with another one. If you’re fairly experienced with Enochian for example, then you shouldn’t have too much difficulty with the Runes" (Hine 18)
One needs look no further than a guy like Phil Grippaldi (the "manlet" pictured above) for evidence of this.  Perhaps the greatest presser in the history of that Olympic lift, Grippaldi boasted a physique that would leave every Redditor wailing and gnashing their teeth, moaning about steroids as their tongues lolled at the sight of the man's retarded 20 inch arms.  Maybe 20 inch arms are common in your gym, but I think I've only seen a couple of sets in my life, and they weren't possessed by a guy weighing less than 200 lbs.  Grippaldi included all kinds of bodybuilding and powerlifting in his training, and his lifts and physique serve as substantiation of this phenomenon.  If you need more evidence, just look at Ronnie Coleman, pretty much any strongman ever, Kirk Karwoski... the list goes on and one.  So shut the fuck up about how bodybuilding is useless shit because that lie is more tired than I am of fucking hearing it.

I was gonna post a pic of a pre-gear bodybuilder who was also an accomplished weightlifter, but in my search for a pic I stumbled across Reddit and conversations so fucking insipid that I decided to post a pic of how I'd like the profile pics of the conversations' participants to look.  Seriously, I want "natty or not" pussies to impregnate a woman so I can rip it out of her womb and beat them to death with the corpse of their unborn children.

Which brings us, in a very long-winded and roundabout way, to how I decide to train and diet the way I do.  This series was actually spawned by the following conversation, which I might as well impart just to cut through further bullshit. 
Q: Man, I’m really curious about your thought process, like do you just come up with stuff and try it?  How do you know what to eat? 
A: Yesterday, I ate 2 lbs of baby back ribs, a shitload of korean bbq, a couple of bowls of rice doused in sriracha, and a couple of protein bars.  Why?  Because I was fucking hungry, and I've been training like a maniac, and that's what I needed. 
Some of it I come up with and try, like the rowing I've been doing a couple of times a week.  The rest of it I just go fucking crazy in the gym and figure out why it worked thereafter.  Why it worked is generally simple, though- it really comes down to effort.  
Diet is a little more intellectual, as I keep a sort of running total of grams of protein and calories as I go.  And no, I don't use any of those stupid fucking apps- I do the math in my head, like an adult with dignity and self respect.  This shit is so fucking simple I'm hard-pressed to expand on it further. 
Q: How much time do you give an idea to know if it works? 
A:  Lol.  Are you serious?  It always works- the only time shit doesn't is when I am doing something I know for a fact doesn't suit me, like training in the 10-12 rep range all the time.  That's why I can't figure out how the fuck you people suck at it so hard.   
I could win a local meet coming out of a coma, and I look better getting out of bed after two years of sporadic training, no dieting, and drinking at an essentially suicidal rate because when I train, I go ten times as hard as you could ever conceive and even train harder on my off days than just about anyone I've seen on a "hard" day.  When I eat, I eat to grow- this is not fucking rocket science.   
If you think you've gone as hard as you can go, go fucking harder the next time.  You're basically indestructible, and most people will never even reach a fifth of their potential, just because they think they can't go harder.  And I don't want to hear about steroids and genetics and whatever other paltry fucking excuse you might have- you go to a Penn State wrestling camp and do three-a-days, plus lifting and running, and then tell me you go hard in the gym.  Everyone's a fucking pussy, and that's why they suck. 
Eat meat.  Lift heavy as fuck.  Jerk off a bunch.  Repeat.  It's that fucking simple.
So there you have it- you don't need a plan for shit.  Less talky.  More doey.

Juls Borg- metal as fuck and breaking fools while their bitches drool.

In the next one I'll actually go into my diet of late a bit, but before that I'll have an interview with a guy I coached over the last year to a 1504 raw total at 181 in hist first meet... nine months into training.  It is that fucking easy, people.

27 February 2018

Just Settle The Fuck Down And Bodybuild, Bro- Probably The Last "Ask The Asshole", Ever

Even a broken clock is right twice a day, but no matter what time that clock says, Jeff Dunham is never fucking funny.  Jeff Dunham's effect on a comedy show is very much like an ebola outbreak's effect on Central Africa tourism- you only head toward it if your goal is to stamp out the infection and cart away dead bodies.

In the past I would publish articles in a series called "Ask The Asshole" but as the questions began to resemble each other more and more, and my answers became basically rote repetitions of one another, I abandoned the series.  You might think that I would enjoy posting my hilarious repartee with people who should never publicly utter these questions, but frankly I've grown so weary of answering stupid questions that most days I've got less funny in me than a dialogue between Howie Mandel and Jeff Foxworthy scripted by that hideously uncomedic fucktard with the puppets.  Until now, that is, because if I can't laugh in the face of a coming apocalypse fueled by gun-toting, unfuckable autists, idiotic partisan politics, hyper-emotional responses to trivial events, and the fact that "e-sports" are likely going to be in the next Winter Olympics, I might as well just eat a fucking frisbee and get it over with.

"Gurrrrl, I gotta wear a belt in the grocery store because I look hot in it, right?  Right?!?!  Bro, why's she laughing?  Quick!  Someone post a pic of me on Insta so I can get validationnnnn..."

That's not to say I don't like helping people out- I give out more free training advice than all of the dudes in Rogue gear scamming on hot chicks at the gym combined, only the advice I give is actually sought out and appreciated.  It's frustrating, however, when the answer is so often the same.  As such, I'm just going to post this in hopes that people will actually read it and take it to heart.

If you look like this, you're not a powerlifter or any other kind of strength athlete.  Stick to convincing idiotic Midwesterners to stab each other and leave the weightroom to people who belong there.

Let's start with competing- most people probably shouldn't bother.  If you're an adult male over 170 lbs and you're not in the 300-400-500 (bench-squat-deadlift) club, DON'T EVEN FUCKING THINK ABOUT COMPETING IN POWERLIFTING.  I don't know what the equivalent is in oly, but I'm sure such a standard is available online.  There are too many of you goofballs running around with truly mediocre lifts asking for advice like "should I cut to 181?  I'm SIX FUCKING FEET TALL and bench well under 300."  I'm not going to use the word manlet, but if you're over 5'6", you should be in the 198s or higher.  And you should be far stronger than you are before you compete, anyway- the definition of the word compete is to "strive to gain or win something by defeating or establishing superiority over others who are trying to do the same," so if your lifts such, you're not competing.  Instead, you're putting your weakness on public display for no apparent reason.   

If your diet doesn't involve decent amounts of barbecue, you're probably weaker than an anemic kitten and have the physique of a prepubescent girl.

That brings us to my next point- I highly doubt any of you are eating enough.  Before you start protesting about how you get fat if you eat too much, you're eating too little and training too little.  I've written pretty much endlessly on weight gain diets, and yet I still get absurd questions about cutting when people are tall and skinny.  Or short and skinny.  Either way, it's fucking stupid- if you want to be strong, eat to get strong.  Leaning out is the easy part.  Getting obscenely strong and jacked is by far and away the hard part- if it wasn't, you would see far more guys in the gym benching over 500 with guts, rather than a bunch of pussies in spandex struggling with 225.

With eight weeks of starvation and maybe four lackluster days a week a Planet Fitness, you too could have this body!  InB4 Redditors start whining about gear.

I'll repeat that one more time- if getting lean was the hard part and getting strong and huge was the easy part, there'd be a lot less Zyzz and a lot more Eddie Hall in every gym in the country.  Any pussy who loves the stairmill and hates rare steak can get a six-pack.  Hell, asceticism of every stupid fucking variety is in vogue now with the alt-right, bitch-made neo-stoics, and whatever other variety of pussy who cannot control the extent of his or her indulgences is running around.  Not doing shit is easy- it's the lazy fucker's way of attempting to be interesting.

Asceticism is for pussies, not feral executioners stalking the Iron Abattoir.
"A contemporary physique star, Bobby Pandour (1876-1914), was an athlete in several senses of the term.  A fellow strongman remembered visiting Pandour one morning at his friend's Parisian hotel room.  There he found the strongman lounging in his pajamas and surrounded by a large, animated crowd of ladies clad only in their diaphanous negligees.  The strongman was apparently none the worse for wear despite a performance that must have been every bit as exhausting as the one he did on stage" (Chapman 75).

Name a single awesome lifter or generally bad motherfucker who was an ascetic.  You can't.  Big personalities have big appetites and do great things.  Case in point: the first man to bench press 600 lbs, squat 800 lbs, and total 2000 lbs in a powerlifting meet was Pat Casey.  Pat Casey trained more in a day than most people train in a week, and he ate enough food to feed a sub-Saharan African family for a month.  Think you eat enough?  Pat Casey ate gargantuan amounts of food and then chugged 4-6 quarts of whole milk every day just to round out his calories.  That's 2400 to 3600 calories and 128 to 196 grams of protein a day just from his milk, and it was nothing for bodybuilders of the day to eat 6000 to 9000 calories a day to pack on mass (Roach).  Are any of us consuming a full day's worth of calories as an afterthought, on top of massive meals?  I highly doubt it, because if we were, there'd be far more XXL shirt in our gyms rather than mediums.

"Casey’s early ambition was simple: hoist ever heavier poundage, grow larger and ever more muscular. His continual training and his copious consumption of calories had an incredible effect on his physique. The more he ate, the larger he grew; the larger he grew, the stronger he became; the stronger he became, the hotter his young male metabolism raged. Pat drank six quarts of whole milk each day in addition to eating everything he could lay his hands on. It was reported in Muscle Builder magazine that Casey used to stop and eat a packed lunch (“meatloaf sandwiches smothered in mayonnaise”) during his day-long iron sessions.'"
"He mimicked what he saw [the gym rats] perform: lots of exercises, lots of sets, marathon training sessions, training the same muscles three times a week. Those endurance weight training sessions beat the chubby Irish boy into shape. Pat thought nothing of spending all day in the gym, doing whatever suited his fancy, taking as long as he needed between sets to rest and fully recover" (Gallagher). 

After Casey hit a 615 bench in competition with a two-second pause, broke the 800 lb squat barrier and the 2000 total barrier in the same meet, he retired from competition.  Know what he did then?  He cut bodyweight and was a non-competitive bodybuilder for the remainder of his life.  Training just two days a week he was able to maintain most of his muscle and rock a physique most lifters would sell their sister into sexual slavery for because he'd already put in the hard work of getting huge.  See where I'm going with this?  Get big as fuck- leaning out is the easy part, and you and your bullshit about how hard it is to shed weight can go fuck yourself because he only person who believes that bullshit is your bitch ass.

How I generally feel when answering a question and am told I don't understand something about the special snowflake asking my opinion.  You're not special.  This does not require any mathematics or chemistry.  It is all much, much more simple than you would like to think.  You just dislike the answer because it's not 10 fucking minute abs.

This brings us to my final point, to which there are absolutely no exceptions- if you are a strength athlete and are stalled out, burned out, frustrated, injured, coming off a meet, or coming back off a layoff, you should give some strong consideration to doing some bodybuilding for a while.  I cannot count the number of times someone has asked me a question about what to do, all in a fucking panic about what will happen to this lift or that lift because of whatever the fuck mundane shit they're freaking the fuck out about has happened, and my response is always the same- settle the fuck down, bro, and just bodybuild.  That's it.

Step 1.  
SETTLE THE FUCK DOWN.  It ain't that deep, as they say.  If you're not that big or strong anyway, who fucking cares if a lift slides a bit?  And if you are really big and strong, the shit will come back in short order.

Step 2.  
Leave your house and go to one of those old-fashioned book stores.  You know, the ones so old timey that everything in them wasn't written by some know-nothing anonymous douchelord on the internet.  Buy a couple Flex mags, or some Muscular Developments.  Then take them home and read them at your leisure, while you're scarfing hamburgers because you need the calories and protein to grow.  From those magazines you can get at least one, if not more, interesting workouts that are certainly different from what you've been doing.  For a month, do that shit.  No conjugate fuckery, no goddamned RPEs, just lift weights, and try new shit.  Find out what tiny muscle groups you can engage with machines and cables and train them.  Fix your muscular imbalances.  And most of all, discover the great, wide, wonderful world that lays before you when actually give yourself options and explore them.

If you really want to melt your mind, do some research about the way Bob Cicherillo trained.  The man did absolutely no compound movements of any kind and was a fucking mountain.  Try the super slow (10/10) method Ken Hutchins invented that was crazy popular in the 60s to bust plateaus.  Read up on Peary Rader's old shit.  Download some shit off Sandow Plus and use that, or jump on The Tight Tan Slacks Of Dezso Ban and try some of the shit you read there.  During that time, don't pay any fucking attention to anything anyone says about anything training or diet related on the internet (including me).  Just research and do your own thing and stop getting caught up in the great big bag of bullshit the internet age has turned lifting into, because lifting weights and getting jacked actually used to be fucking fun.  Seriously- it really was.

May your next gym experience be this awesome.

You're only as smart as your dumbest idea, but if you don't think at all, you're just fucking retarded.  Think about how you're going to slaughter the weights before you enter the killing ground.


Chapman, David.  Sandow The Magnificent.  Chicago: University of Illinois, 2006.

Roach, Randy.  Splendid specimens: The history of nutrition in bodybuilding.  Westin A. Price Foundation.  14 Dec 2004.  Web.  27 Feb 2018.

Wilhem, Bruce.  Pat Casey- Part One.  The Tight Tan Slacks of Dezso Ban.  24 Apr 2008.  Web.  27 Feb 2018.

Wilhem, Bruce.  Pat Casey- Part Two.  The Tight Tan Slacks of Dezso Ban.  28 Apr 2008.  Web.  27 Feb 2018.

25 February 2018

Chaos And Pain Hatecast Episode 1- Talkin' Bout Some Gear

Andrea Munzer took so much gear that just looking at a pic of him means you're no longer natty.

The first official episode of Chaos and Pain's Hatecast is up on Youtube and ready for your listening pleasure.  Still working on the Stitcher and iTunes uploads, but they're coming soon.  In this episode we talk about my gear use, PCT, Andreas Munzer's ridiculous stack (here's an interview with Nasser El Sonbaty about Munzer that's worth a read), why you're not actually going to shit out your liver on Superdrol, and much more.

19 February 2018

Chaos and Pain Hatecast- The Pilot Episode

Due to my obvious ideological differences with Paul Carter, we won't be doing Chaos and Bang anymore.  What we will be doing is the Hatecast, which will feature myself, Brice Allen, and a rotating cast of guests (which tentatively includes Peter Baker of TNation / / BioLayne, a British wrestler on the indie circuit who will be guesting in NXT named Danny Burch (I'll just use his wrestling name so we don't break kayfabe, I guess), and an internet steroid guru who runs #TeamFakeGear for BAB Supplements named Ed Dorrence.  We'll be covering topics like steroids (I'll finally discuss them), the conjugate method, programming, body armor built from car tires, and whatever else happens to come up.

Here's a pilot we recorded just to test out the production software.  I was working on a Chromebook because my laptop took a shit on me earlier in the day, so the high-quality mic I'd bought couldn't be employed.  This weekend we will have the first official episode, hopefully with mics and an intro (to be recorded by the new singer of Germany's Impact36, who just just broke a bunch of records in Germany and posted a 1504 total raw at 181 after only 9 months of heavy strength training) and all of that happy horseshit... or it'll be our second pilot because we intend to make this shit as professional as humanly possible.  In any event, we'll be posting these weekly on Chaos and Pain TV on Youtube at first and then adding Soundcloud and iTunes and the like as soon as we can.

So while I work on the next article, here's a pilot episode of the Chaos and Pain Hatecast- No Fap?  No life.  The levels aren't perfect and I have no pop filter on my mic, but it's a hell of a lot better than what we were getting with Chaos and Bang.